


Let Go of Time for You

by walkalittleline



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 02:06:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3101144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkalittleline/pseuds/walkalittleline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa copes after Rei leaves; based off the unnecessarily painful reigisa mook story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Go of Time for You

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write about Nagisa's side of things from the au story that came with the reigisa mook and somehow it turned into this.

_"And make sure you bring me back something pretty, Rei-chan! And if you meet any cool aliens get pictures!"_

He startles awake at the tinny blare of his alarm, blinking rapidly as he tries to regain his bearings. It takes a few seconds for him to realize where he is, that he's at home in bed, staring at the pale blue ceiling stuck with sparkling glow-in-the-dark stars and not at the train station watching his best friend being swept away.

Groping blindly for his alarm, he rolls onto his side and digs his knuckles roughly into his closed eyelids. White lights burst across his vision like stars, though it doesn't stop him from seeing the same face he's been seeing every time he closes his eyes for the past two months.

He flops onto his back with a groan, limbs splayed across the tangle of blankets beneath him. It takes a few minutes for his brain to convince his body to move and he drags himself out of bed to slouch into the bathroom across the hall, yawning widely. He stares at his own reflection, grimacing at the tousled mess of blond curls. There’s a little jolt of pain in his chest at the memory of how Rei would always comment on when his hair was getting too long like this, would cluck his tongue and admonish him for letting it cover his eyes, brush his bangs off his forehead only to flush pink and turn away when he realized what he was doing. Nagisa pushes his hair back with a sigh, watching it settle back over his forehead again. He clips it back out of his eyes and makes a mental note to get it trimmed.

Forty-five minutes later he's bundled in his coat and scarf and stepping onto the train heading to Iwatobi, plopping down in a window seat and munching absently on the last of his breakfast pastry. The low rattling click of the train fills the swaying compartment around him and he tilts his head against the cool glass, watching the scenery whip by in a blur of green and gold. The sky overhead is stunningly blue, wide swaths of white clouds smeared across it like paint on a canvas. He smiles faintly and shuts his eyes against the warm sunlight streaming through the window.

The building he works at is already bustling with people when he arrives, swiping his security badge and waving brightly to the girl behind the desk in the lobby. She waves back, though there’s something oddly stiff about her smile and her eyes dart away from Nagisa almost immediately. He frowns, almost doubling back to ask her what’s wrong, when hears someone call his name.

“Hazuki-san!”

Nagisa turns and flashes a smile at the man approaching him.

“Sena-san!” he says happily, trying not to bounce on the balls of his feet in anticipation. “I hope you’re well today.”

“Yes, fine,” Sena replies vaguely, expression drawn anxiously. “Ah, Hazuki-san, I was wondering if I might have a word with you in my office?”

“Oh?” Nagisa says and settles back flat on his feet with a jolt. “Of course.”

He follows Sena to the elevator and up several floors to a wing of the building he’d only been to before when he was visiting Rei on the many occasions he’d been working late and practically had to be forced to eat dinner. More than once he’d actually fallen asleep there while doing paperwork and practically needed carried out, leaning heavily on Nagisa’s shoulder and mumbling about some chemical equation or another. Nagisa smiles fondly at the memory and follows Sena out into the hall when the elevator comes to a stop with a cheery _ding_.

They walk to the office at the end of the hallway, Nagisa trying not to fidget too much when they walk past the closed door with Rei’s name on it.

“Please come in,” Sena says, gesturing to the chair opposite his desk before moving to sit in his own.

Nagisa does as he’s told, fingers tapping absently on the armrests as his eyes roam the room around him. It’s painted and decorated in subdued grey tones, the only color in the place the potted plant sitting in the corner by the window.

“Hazuki-san,” Sena begins, and Nagisa’s attention snaps back to him. He clears his throat, frowning faintly and lacing his fingers together on the desk. “I have some news about...Ryugazaki-san.”

“How is he?” Nagisa says eagerly. He bites his lip to stop the wide, expectant grin from spreading across his face, though he can’t stop his heart thumping excitedly in his chest. It’s been over a week since Sena has given him an update on Rei; there’s never much information since communication is minimal, but just hearing that Rei is okay, learning about what he’s doing is enough to buoy his mood for days. He smiles inspite of himself.

“Well, ah, you see—” Sena coughs again, looking mildly uncomfortable. “—we don’t...know.”

“...What do you mean?” Nagisa says, head quirking to the side quizzically and grin fading slightly.

Sena lets out an agitated sigh and his frown deepens.

“I’m afraid we’ve lost communication with the Iwatobi,” he says tersely. “Some time last night we received a distress signal followed by confirmation of the deployment of emergency landing gear. However, since then, we’ve...we’ve received no further indication of the status of the ship or… or its crew.”

A deafening silence follows his words.

“No,” Nagisa finally says, laughing a little at how ridiculous the idea. “Rei-chan is the best, that’s why you picked him.”

Sena sighs heavily. “Hazuki-san, I know it’s difficult to hear, it’s been difficult for all of us and we’re doing our best to handle the situation.”

“N-no,” Nagisa repeats, shaking his head hard, brows knitting together. “No, Rei-chan is...”

“I know you were very close with him,” Sena says gently. “Which is why I wanted to let you know personally before—”

“Rei-chan is fine,” Nagisa says, talking over him. “Right?” he adds, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice.

“As I said, we have no more information on the condition of the ship at this time.” Sena looks uncomfortable again, adjusting his glasses and fiddling with one of the pens on his desk. “Without any data transmission from the ship’s instruments we have no way of knowing what the issue is. I assure you as soon as we have any update, I’ll inform you immediately. I know you and Ryugazaki were quite close even before you came to work here together. He was very fond of you.”

Nagisa is barely listening anymore. There’s a low hum filling his ears, rising to a high-pitched ring that drowns out everything else Sena is saying. The only thing that gets through the noise is the word was. _Was_. Past tense. As if in less than twenty-four hours  they’ve already decided that Rei is—

No.

He can’t believe that, he _refuses_ to believe it. Rei promised to come back. Rei wouldn’t lie to him. Rei has _never_ lied to him.

Suddenly he can’t breathe, each shuddering gasps burning his lungs. There are tears spilling down his cheeks, hot and fast and splashing onto his hands as he doubles over and clutches frantically at his hair. His stomach churns dangerously and it’s all he can do to keep from throwing up his breakfast all over Sena’s immaculately clean floor.

Sena is shouting something Nagisa can’t hear, the roar in his ears is so loud it’s rattling his skull. His fingernails dig painfully into his scalp, forehead pressing hard against his knees as he tries to catch his breath.

This is his fault. If he hadn’t had silly dreams, if Rei had never become a scientist to try and make them possible, he would still be there with him. It’s his fault. _It’s all his fault_ _._ He feels sick. His heart is beating against his ribs like a caged animal, clawing at his throat, suffocating him.

=

He’s not sure how he manages to make it back to his apartment, the whir of the air conditioner and the steady movement of the shadows across the room the only variances in his apathetic stupor several hours later. His stomach has been growling for awhile now, and he’s just thinking of getting up to eat the rest of cake leftover from a few days ago when his phone rings on his nightstand.

He scowls at the sound of the cheerful ringtone, sitting up and snatching the offending thing from the table to flip it open without looking at the caller id.

“Hello?” he mumbles.

“Nagisa-kun,” the person on the other end of the line says, punctuating each syllable heavily in the familiar scolding tone she always directs towards him.

“Gou-chan?” he says, frowning.

“Kou,” she corrects him distractedly. “You’re at home, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” he says slowly. “Why?”

She doesn’t answer; instead he hears a sharp knock on his front door that’s echoed half a second later through his phone. He sighs in annoyance, snapping his phone shut and tossing it on the bed before trudging out of the room and to the door.

“I shouldn’t let you in,” he says even as he twists the lock and swings the door open, stepping back so she can march in with all the gusto of a renegade hurricane. A hurricane that likes to throw out all his sweets when he’s not looking.

“I have cake in the fridge and if it’s not there when you leave, I’m never letting you in again,” he says, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at her arms laden with shopping bags.

“Relax,” she says and rolls her eyes as she sets the bags on his tiny table. She reaches into one of the bags and pulls out a tub of ice cream, turning to him with a much more serious look. “I’m here for emotional support.”

Nagisa lets his shoulders relax, unable to help a small, grateful smile from turning up the corners of his lips.

“Your sister called me,” Kou says a few minutes later as she’s dishing out ice cream into two large bowls. “She said someone from the lab called your parents and they called her. I guess she knows I’m your only friend,” she adds teasingly.

“Rude,” Nagisa mumbles, though he’s smiling, dumping chocolate sauce onto his own ice cream.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened?” she says, leaning back against the counter and popping a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

Nagisa doesn’t respond immediately, sprinkling fresh cut strawberries on top of the chocolate sauce before turning to her with a defeated sigh.

“Rei-chan is… missing,” he says. “Or at least… well I don’t know what they think. But they can’t communicate with him any more. For all they know he could be…” he can’t even finish the sentence, eyes burning with the threat of tears and throat growing painfully tight.

“Nagisa-kun…” he hears the clink of her bowl on the counter and the soft pad of her slippers on the floor before she’s suddenly engulfing him in a hug. Nagisa half-heartedly returns it.

“What if...what if he’s—”

“What do you think?” Kou says and steps back from him, voice regaining its usual curtness, though the edges are softened with sympathy.

“What do you mean?” Nagisa mumbles. He stabs at his ice cream with his spoon.

“You know Rei-kun better than anyone,” she says and rests one hand on his shoulder. “What do _you_ think. Do you think he’s alright?”

Nagisa pauses. _Does he_? He hadn’t really stopped to think about it, too busy letting his imagination run rampant with what if’s to let himself. His eyes sweep across the room and he swallows thickly as they land on the pictures sitting on the bookshelf. Some of them are of his family, some with Kou, but the majority of them are of him and Rei.

Since their first year of high school they’ve been inseparable. Despite being polar opposite they somehow work together, Rei the voice of reason when Nagisa wanted to do something ridiculous like eat ten Iwatobi cream breads in a row, and Nagisa the one who kept Rei from killing himself studying—and now from overworking himself—for as long as he can remember. Even after high school, after university, into their _careers_ , they’ve been a packaged set.

It took him weeks to get used to not waking up to Rei’s early morning texts—sent under the guise of making sure he was up for work, though Nagisa hasn’t had trouble with waking up on time in years—after he’d left, to getting on the train alone in the morning and evening, to not getting scolded for not bringing a nutritiously balanced bento to work with him.

So much of his life had revolved around Rei being a part of it for so long, he’d felt completely lost after he’d left. And the mere thought that it wasn’t just temporary, that he’d never have that sense of normalcy back, had left him feeling like someone had taken a part of him away completely. But he knows Rei just as much as Rei knows him, and now, as he considers it, staring at the last picture they’d taken together before Rei had left—Nagisa’s arm slung around Rei’s shoulders as he beams at the camera, Rei’s equally nervous and excited grin—he knows.

“Yeah,” he says quietly and smiles, turning to Kou and nodding. “Yeah,” he repeats with a sigh. “He’s okay.”

Kou mirrors his smile brightly and pats his cheek, laughing when he pulls away with an annoyed huff.

“There you go, then,” she says. “But this still isn’t going to waste,” she continues sternly, gesturing to the ice cream and the pile of cheesy horror movies she’d brought with her.

Nagisa laughs, feeling lighter than he has all day.

=

It’s easy, for the most part, to go back to his everyday life. He knows, in his gut or his heart or something equally less tangible but no less real to him, that Rei is okay. He’s alive. He’s somewhere out in the star-strewn sky he’s taken to watching each night before he goes to bed, wrapped up in a blanket sitting on the tiny balcony outside his bedroom.

The more naive part of him wonders if sometimes Rei might be looking at the same stars—though he knows it’s impossible given their different bearings in the galaxy; he’s learned studying astronomy did take away some of the whimsical fascination he’d once held for the night sky.

Sometimes he talks quietly while he watches, whispering into the dark though he knows he won’t receive an answer. It helps, at least until his neighbor yells at him for being up at three am. He almost snaps at her to just close her windows at night if it bothers her so much—it’s the middle of March for crying out loud—but, instead, decides to switch from talking to writing letters.

It’s Kou’s suggestion. “ _Write something for him to read when he comes back_ ,” she tells him when he complains about the interruption in his vigils.

He writes anything and everything he thinks of, about work and his family and Kou, about the new bakery that just opened down the street from his apartment and how he’s going to take Rei there as soon as he comes back, about how the cherry blossoms and how summer is unbearably hot that year even before it’s properly started and how he wishes Rei was around to get ice cream with him like they used to because it’s not nearly as fun when Rei isn’t there to pretend to be annoyed when Nagisa steals bites from his sundae.

The first few months pass by quickly. He asks Sena every day if there’s word of Rei, despite him repeatedly promising he would let him know as soon as he heard anything, merely flashing him a smile and a cheery “see you tomorrow!” when he tells him there’s not with that same pitying look he’d worn when he’d initially given him the news.

When August rolls around, Kou and his sisters throw him a birthday party at the same restaurant he’s celebrated at for years, though it’s hard to enjoy it much when it’s missing the one person who always managed to make it truly special.

There’s a weird, churning feeling of nostalgia in his gut when his sister carries the cake out. It’s beautiful, a mass of whipped cream covered sponge cake and strawberries, but it’s not nearly large enough to hold a person, and he has to choke back a pained, sobbing laugh at the thought of Rei showing up very late to his party two years ago, visibly shaken and covered in whipped cream, recounting his story of being taken to the wrong birthday party and nearly arrested.

He feels a sudden, panicked tightness in his chest and excuses himself, rushing out into the warm summer air and taking great, gulping breaths, clamping a hand over his mouth to stifle a sob. He hears the door open behind him a few minutes later and he knows it’s Kou without having to look.

She lays a comforting hand on his back, rubbing gently when he breaks down completely, the heels of his hands pressed against his eyes as if it might stem the steady flow of tears. It takes several minutes for him to calm down enough to stop crying, hiccupping softly as he wipes his eyes on the tissue Kou hands him.

“Are you okay?” she said quietly.

Nagisa sniffs, staring down at his hands.

“What if he doesn’t come back?” he croaks, fresh tears splashing onto the pavement.

“He will,” Kou says bracingly and squeezes his shoulder. “You said so yourself, didn’t you? You know he’s still out there.”

“What if I was wrong?” he says with a shake of his head. He looks up at her pleadingly. “It’s been over six months. How long am I supposed to wait?”

“I… I don’t know,” Kou says, her own voice shaking slightly and her eyes welling brightly. “You can’t give up, though.” She takes hold of both his shoulders and gives him a firm shake. “You’re Nagisa. You _never_ give up.”

He takes a deep, steadying breath and offers her a wavering smile which she returns, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Thanks, Gou-chan,” he mumbles into her hair.

“It’s Kou,” she mutters back, chuckling when he hiccups out a laugh.

He slips into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face before returning to the party, forcing a smile onto his face and rolling his eyes when his sisters sing to him in very offkey voices. When people start filtering out later in the evening, he waves off Kou’s invitation to get drinks, avoiding her eye when she gives him a concerned look. His sisters are the last to leave, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek, telling him not to eat all the leftover cake in one sitting before they go, leaving him alone in the quiet restaurant.

He’s not sure how long he sits there in silence, toying with his phone and unable to keep himself from watching the door. When the chef comes out from the kitchen to lock up the doors, he only looks mildly phased to see him sitting there still.

“Oh,” he says, blue eyes flicking to the door. “Is he late again? Your friend? He’s late a lot.”

Nagisa’s stomach lurches unpleasantly and he has to force himself to smile and shrug.

“He works very hard,” he says. “I’m sure he’s coming. If I could just wait a little longer? Please.”

The chef sighs but shrugs in disinterest.

“Sure,” he says. “But I’m leaving in half an hour so you’ll have to go then.”

“Alright,” Nagisa agrees with a nod, slumping back in his seat as soon as the other man is gone again.

“Now would be the perfect time for you to come back, Rei-chan,” he whispers. His lips quiver and his vision blurs. “Please come. _Please_.”

He leaves the restaurant alone half an hour later, arms full of his gifts, thanking the chef for his patience and brushing off his albeit brief apology that Rei didn’t show up.

“Maybe he’ll be on time next year,” he says absently before shutting the door behind Nagisa and locking it with a loud click that rings in his ears with an unpleasant finality.

“Yeah,” he says, staring down at his shoes. “Maybe.”

=

Summer bleeds gradually into Fall, the weather cooling to something more tolerable. Kou has taken to forcing him to go out with her at least once a week, saying she refuses to let him become some sad shut-in. He knows she’s just trying to take his mind off of Rei, consistently assuring him not to worry, that he’s fine and will surely return any time, though even she starts to wear thin, and by the time December rolls around she’s taken Nagisa’s cue and stopped talking about Rei altogether.

He still writes his letters, but just speaking Rei’s name aloud has become painful, makes his chest twist and his eyes sting involuntarily like some horrible gut reaction. He gives up asking Sena, much to the other man’s relief. He’s looking as harried as Nagisa feels lately, no doubt due to the reporters who have been hanging around the building trying to catch him and ask questions about the “lost astronaut”, apparently Rei’s disappearance had been managed to be kept quiet until recently.

Nagisa wants to spit at them, scream for them to go away, they don’t care about Rei, just about getting their story. No one cares about Rei anymore. Even his parents have started doubting. Nagisa wishes he didn’t care.

He spends Rei’s birthday locked in his apartment, ignoring Kou’s calls and curling under his blankets drifting in and out of sleep until his stomach forces him out of bed to eat. He’s in the middle of trying to decide between instant noodles and some leftover sushi that’s a little too close to spoiling even for his stomach—there’s little else left in his fridge, he barely has the appetite to shop much less the energy—when he hears a key jingle in lock. Watching in mild interest as the doorknob twists open, he wonders vaguely is he’s about to be robbed before realizing that a robber likely would not have a key. When the door swings in to reveal Kou standing on the step, red-faced and breathless and carrying several bags of groceries and what looks like takeout, he merely shrugs and turns back to stare at the barren fridge again.

She huffs loudly as she kicks the door shut behind her and lugs the food into the kitchen to dump on the counter.

“I brought you food,” she says stiffly as she begins pulling out the groceries. “ _Real_ food. Because I know for a fact you’re basically living off store-bought bentos and god knows what else.” She pushes past him to put things in the fridge, turning up her nose at the sushi before dumping it in the trash.

“Hey,” Nagisa says angrily. “I was going to eat that.”

She gives him a glare so hard he takes a step back, shrinking in on himself when her nostrils flare furiously.

“You need to stop this,” she says, eyes flashing dangerously. “You are _hurting_ yourself, Nagisa-kun. You’re not eating properly, you barely leave this apartment besides for work, you won’t talk to your family, you won’t talk to me, you won’t talk to _anyone_!”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” Nagisa mumbles petulantly.

Kou stomps her foot down hard and he jumps at the sound.

“You can’t do this anymore,” she says. Nagisa looks up in surprise at the shakiness of her voice.

“Your family is worried about you,” she continues pleadingly. “ _I’m_ worried about you. I know you miss him, I do. I miss him too. But… this,” she gestures helplessly around his apartment. “This isn’t going to make him come back.”

Nagisa drops his gaze to his feet, frowning as his eyes prickle painfully.

“Maybe… maybe it’s time to just… move on,” Kou says carefully, her voice steadying. She looks away guiltily when Nagisa’s eyes snap up to her in disbelief.

“I know it’s hard,” she continues quickly. “But it’s almost been a year, Nagisa-kun. Don’t you think it might be best—”

“No!” Nagisa cries. He can’t believe he’s hearing this from her, from the only person who hasn’t told him to just forget about Rei, who believed with him that he was coming back. “How could you—I thought you— _I trusted you_!”

“Nagisa-kun…”

“He’s my best friend!” Nagisa yells over her. He’s not sure when he started crying but he doesn’t try and stop it, everything sets him off these days. “How am I supposed to just forget about him?”

“I’m not _telling you_ to forget about him, I’m just saying—”

“What?” he shouts back at her. “What, you want me to move on? Pretend like everything is fine again? Go out drinking and be happy? I can’t, Kou.”

“You can, Nagisa—”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND,” he screams. He wants to throw a tantrum, to stamp his feet and shake her until she gets it through her head that he can’t do what she wants him to do. “I _LOVE_ HIM.”

He sees her eyes widen in understanding, mouth falling open in a quiet “oh”, and he slumps defeatedly on the spot.

“I love him,” he repeats in a small voice. It’s the first time he’s ever admitted it outloud. “I didn’t even know until after he left. It’s my fault he went in the first place and now I’ll never…” he swallows hard. “I’ll get a chance…”

He leans against the refridgerator and sinks to the floor, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face in his knees.

“Nagisa-kun….”

Kou sits down next to him a few seconds later, leaning her head against his shoulder. He doesn’t know how long they’re sitting there before he finally calms down enough to talk again.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admits softly, chin resting on his knees.

“Live your life,” Kou responds. “I’m not saying you have to… move on,” she adds when Nagisa gives her a wary look. “But you can’t keep doing this. You can’t beat yourself up anymore, Nagisa-kun. You know he wouldn’t want that.”

“Yeah,” Nagisa mumbles. “I know.”

=

It’s more difficult than he thought it would be, trying to force himself into a routine that doesn’t involve spending most of his time buried under his blankets. Kou helps him, shows up to cook for him occasionally and even forces him into a hideous Christmas sweater for the party she throws at her own apartment.

It’s there that he meets her older brother, who’s somehow both one of the grumpiest and one of the nicest people he’s ever met, as he spends half the night glowering at people and the other half of it laughing at his own ridiculous stories from his job working as a police officer, though he draws the line when Nagisa affectionately calls him ‘Rin-Rin’, glaring at him even as he flushes pink, Kou doubling over with laughter. He stays well after the rest of the guests have left, making plans to see the both of them after New Years before making his way back to train station to take the last train home, wobbling a little on his feet.

There are still days when he has to force himself out of bed in the morning, force himself to eat a full meal instead of picking at his food, but it gets easier every day, and he almost doesn’t register the day that marks a full year since Rei’s last contact until it’s almost over.

He does a doubletake when he catches the date on his phone and fully registers it’s significance. It’s like a blow to the chest. It takes him a few minutes of deep breathing and blinking hard to steady himself, pressing his fingers against his eyelids and rubbing hard before he gets up and busies himself with making dinner. For the first night in over a month, he cries himself to sleep again.

=

“Nagisa-kun. _Nagisa-kun_. Nagisa-kun!”

Nagisa blinks and looks up from him food to give Kou a questioning look.

“Are you even listening to me?” she says, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Yeah,” he says absently and returns to pushing his food around his plate. “Dinner with Rin next week sounds fun.”

“That was five minutes ago,” she sighs in annoyance. “Are you okay?” she continues, concerned this time. “You’re a little… distracted today.”

“I don’t know,” he replies. He gives up on eating and pushes his plate away. “I just feel… something feels off today, don’t you think?”

She lifts an eyebrow dubiously. “Not really,” she says with a shrug. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” he replied and shakes his head, frowning. “Just… feels weird.”

“That’s probably just because you’re on your third serving of dessert,” she chides him teasingly.

He hums in response, not really hearing her as she continues with whatever story she’d been telling before.

He still feels off when he goes to bed that night, going so far as to double-check the locks on his door before crawling under the covers and curling onto his side. Despite the feeling in his chest, he still manages to fall asleep almost instantly.

When he snaps awake sometime in the middle of the night, it takes him a few seconds to realize what exactly woke him until he hears another urgent knock at his front door. He grumbles and tugs his pillow over his head, fully planning on ignore whoever it is until they take the hint and leave, when there’s another knock, this one even louder than before. Groaning in annoyance, he throws the blankets off himself and pushes himself to his feet. He yawns and scrubs his hand down his face as the person knocks again.

“I’m coming, jeez,” he mumbles, feet dragging along the floor. “Did you forget your bag or something, Kou? You know you could wait until tomorrow instead of showing up in the middle of the—”

He falls silent as the door swings inward and the sight on the other side punches the air from his lungs. He blinks, has to remind himself to breathe, would pinch his own arm if he could convince his limbs to move.

Rei.

Rei is standing on his doorstep in the middle of the night. Rei with his somehow constantly windswept hair and violet eyes currently wide with nerves behind those familiar red glasses. He’s as painfully handsome as Nagisa remembers him, equal parts graceful and goofy and sweet and so _perfect_ —somehow more so by the fact that he’s inexplicably clutching a bouquet of fresh flowers in one hand and a container of strawberry shortcake in the other—he wants to cry. He’s _definitely_ going to cry.

“Nagisa-kun. I—”

“Are you real,” Nagisa cuts across him in a shaky voice. “Because I’ve had dreams before where you come back and this _feels_ real but they’ve felt real before and I need to _know_ —are you real?”

Rei opens his mouth, closes it, takes a deep breath, and smiles.

“I’m real,” he says, nodding, eyes brimming with tears. “Nagisa-kun.”

Nagisa chokes out a sob and all but leaps at him, nearly knocking him off his feet as he flings his arms around his neck and clutches at his shirt.

“Rei-chan!” he wails, burying his face in Rei’s shoulder as the other man hugs him back just as hard. “I c-can’t believe you’re back!”

Rei merely responds by gripping him even tighter, face pressed to Nagisa’s hair and shoulders shaking.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, voice muffled. “I’m _so sorry_ , Nagisa-kun.”

Nagisa shakes his head hard, pulling back just enough that he can look Rei in the face, going a little cross-eyed in the process. He sniffs, hiccupping as he takes Rei’s face in his hands and says seriously. “You’re very late for my birthday party, Rei-chan.”

Rei lets out a watery laugh, eyes so full of affection it makes Nagisa’s chest hurt. He feels like his heart is about to burst with emotion.

“R-Rei-chan, I—”

“I love you,” Rei breathes, and suddenly his lips are pressed to Nagisa’s, warm and damp with tears as his hands come to gently frame his face.

He barely has a chance to register what’s happening much less respond when Rei is pulling away and stepping back from him, clamping a hand to his mouth and stuttering out apologies a mile a minute.

“I’m so sorry, Nagisa-kun, that was dreadfully rude of me, I should never have done that I didn’t even consider your feelings, I was merely swept up in the moment and I assure it won’t happen again. That isn’t to say that I don’t love you, I have for very long time and I suppose after all these years I let my emotions get the better of me given the current situation, I understand completely if you don’t reciprocate my feelings, I—”

“I do.”

“—don’t want you to feel pressured—what?”

Any other time it would be comical watching Rei blush and stumble over his words, but right now Nagisa feels like his heart is about to leap out of his throat and he has to tell himself again that he’s not dreaming. He’s been waiting a year for this, probably a lot longer if he’d taken the time to untangle his own feelings then.

“I do,” he repeats, nodding sharply. “I love you too.”

“Oh,” Rei says, looking a little dumbstruck by the confession. He pushes his glasses up his nose and frowns. “I’m… I’m afraid this isn’t exactly how I planned this out so I’m not sure what to do next.”

Nagisa giggles.

“Rei-chan is so cute,” he says, laughing again when Rei turns an even darker shade of pink, adjusting his glasses again anxiously.

“Why don’t we just—” he pushes himself up on his toes so he can press his lips to Rei’s, humming happily when Rei tentatively starts to kiss back. He fists his hands in Rei’s shirt, pulling gently as he takes a step back towards his apartment.

“Ah, but the—” Rei starts, breaking away to glance fretfully at the discarded, slightly crushed flowers and smushed cake.

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa whines and tugs him back into a kiss, giggling when Rei stumbles over the door jam before closing the door behind him.

They stop a few steps inside the door, breath mingling and foreheads pressed together. Nagisa bumps his nose against Rei’s and Rei smiles with that same look of fondness he’s given him for so many years.

“I missed you,” Nagisa says, fingers trailing lightly over Rei’s cheek. “I missed you _so much_. I was… it was so lonely without you here, Rei-chan. I was starting to think you weren’t coming back….”

“I know,” Rei says, looking guilty. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I left, I’m sorry I didn’t come back sooner.”

“It’s my fault,” Nagisa says. His eyes burn with fresh tears. “If I didn’t have silly dreams, you wouldn’t—”

“Don’t,” Rei interrupts him sternly. “Don’t you ever blame yourself.” He strokes his thumb gently over Nagisa’s cheek. “I love you, Nagisa-kun.”

Then he’s kissing Nagisa again, hands cradling his face in both hands like he’s something precious, so achingly tender Nagisa thinks he might cry again. No one’s ever treated him the way Rei has always treated him. Like he was special, like he was everything. He presses into the kiss a little more urgently, letting his mouth fall open wider and sliding his tongue coaxingly along Rei’s lower lip.

Rei makes a quiet, surprised sound but follows his lead, exhaling sharply when Nagisa’s tongue dips into his mouth.

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa murmurs against his lips, leaving soft pecks down along Rei’s jaw and up to his ear.

He hears Rei hum questioningly in reply and he steels himself to say his next sentence.

“Will you… come to bed with me?”

He’s glad Rei can’t see his face, can feel his cheeks growing warm.

“Bed?” Rei says, sounding confused. “Well, I’m not exactly tired but—”

“Rei-chan.” Nagisa leans away just enough to give him a pointed look, watching his eyes widen in realization and his face go from pink to bright red in approximately three seconds. He’s a little surprised there’s not smoke pouring from his ears.

“Oh,” Rei says, shakily pushes his glasses up his nose again. “I—ah—that, yes, well, I-I—”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Nagisa assures him gently.

“N-no,” Rei says with a shake of his head. “It’s not that. I simply wish I would have had some time to study the theory—”

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa cries in a scandalized tone, giggling when Rei presses his knuckles to his lips in consideration.

He pulls Rei’s hand away from his face and pries it open so he can lace their fingers together.

“Rei-chan,” he repeats, softer. “You don’t need to study for this. I’m sure we can figure it out on our own.”

“Right,” Rei mutters, though he still looks a little doubtful.

“I trust you,” Nagisa says and gives his hand a brief squeeze.

He seems to calm down at that, straightening up and puffing out his chest a little. Nagisa has to stifle a laugh.

“Of course,” Rei says with the same amount of bravado a knight about to rush into battle might have. “Then, Nagisa-kun, if you will permit me to carry you to the bedroom as I believe is customary in these situations.”

“Rei-chan, I’m not a woman,” Nagisa says around a barely concealed laugh, though he loops an arm around Rei’s shoulders nevertheless.

“Be that as it may, given your shorter stature, I find it illogical and impractical for you to be trying lift me.”

Nagisa rolls his eyes but allows Rei to scoop him up bridal style only to stumble half a step and nearly drop him.

“You’re...heavier than I remember,” he huffs, face strained with effort.

“I am not!” Nagisa says and scowls. “I weigh less than I did when you left. Besides, you’re probably just not used to Earth’s gravity again yet,” he adds, sticking out his tongue.

“It wasn’t meant as an insult,” Rei puffs laboriously as they move towards the bedroom. “And it is admittedly hard to get exercise in an environment where everything is one-seventh it’s normal weight.”

“You’re almost there, Rei-chan, fight on!” Nagisa says, tucking his legs in as they reach the bedroom.

Rei all but tosses him onto the bed, wheezing a little as he kicks off his shoes, only to have Nagisa yank him down into a kiss, looping one leg around his hip and smoothing his hands over his shoulders. Rei continues standing awkwardly at the edge of the bed, one knee on the mattress and both hands hovering in mid-air.

Nagisa snorts quietly and pulls away to bury his face in Rei’s neck.

“Rei-chan,” he giggles. “You can touch me, you know.”

“I know that,” Rei says hastily, pulling his other knee onto the bed and helping Nagisa scoot back towards the pillows.

Nagisa kisses him again, nipping lightly on his lower lip before letting Rei set the pace completely as his fingers move down to deftly open the buttons on Rei’s shirt. Rei gasps lightly against his lips when Nagisa runs his hands over his chest, which is—despite Rei’s complaint about lack of exercise—is just a toned as he remembers it. Not that he’d ever had the opportunity to do this before, but he’s seen Rei shirtless plenty of times, and he’s not going to waste the chance to explore every dip and line of muscle on him.

Nagisa lets his fingers trail lower, brushing along the waistband of his pants before sliding down to ghost over the bulge of his growing erection. He presses a little harder, cupping Rei’s crotch and squeezing gently. Rei groans into his mouth, exhaling a shuddering breath when Nagisa squeezes again and dropping his head to Nagisa’s shoulder.

“ _Nagisa-kun_.”

“Is this okay, Rei-chan,” Nagisa murmurs, kissing the shell of Rei’s ear and palming at his cock, hearing his breath hiss through his teeth, watching his fingers clench in the sheets.

“Y-yes,” Rei gasps. He straightens up, hovering over Nagisa on his hands and knees. “Nagisa-kun, may I ask you something?”

“Hmm?” Nagisa responds, sucking lightly at the skin under Rei’s jaw.

“Have you ever done… this… before?”

Nagisa freezes.

“N-not that I would care!” Rei has hastily. “I understand perfectly well, especially given that we were in no way involved before, I was just... wondering,” he finishes weakly.

“No,” Nagisa says with a small shake of his head. “What about you?”

“Certainly not,” Rei replies with a huff. He stares down at Nagisa, pushing his hair back off his forehead. “I have always only and will only want you, Nagisa-kun.”

Nagisa has to stop himself from squirming under Rei’s adoring gaze, feeling himself blush again and fighting the temptation to bury his face in his hands in embarrassment. It’s overwhelming, after the last tumultuous year, to have Rei back, to touch him, to hear his voice, to have him look at him like that again. He’d only just started letting himself accept that maybe Rei wasn’t coming back and suddenly he’s in his reach again. He can’t stop himself from leaning up to press a hard kiss to Rei’s lips, fingers tangling in his hair.

“Nagisa-kun?” Rei gives him a questioning frown when he pulls away a few seconds later.

“I’m just really happy you’re here, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says. “Here,” he continues, pushing lightly at Rei’s chest. “Sit up.”

Rei complies, though he looks mildly confused, sitting back on his bent legs as he watches Nagisa sit up across from him.

“Nagisa-kun, what are—oh,” he finishes meekly when Nagisa tugs his shirt over his head in one swift motion and tosses it over the side of the bed.

“You too, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, nodding at Rei’s shirt where it’s hanging unbuttoned over his chest.

Rei nods stiffly and slides his shirt off, trying to fold it loosely until he looks up to see Nagisa wriggling out of his shorts.

“Wh-what are you doing?” he says, a slight edge of panic to his voice.

“You can’t do it with your clothes on, Rei-chan,” Nagisa giggles, crawling across the bed dressed just in his bright yellow and pink striped briefs, face growing warm again as he climbs into Rei’s lap. He’s usually shameless about his body, but this is so different, so much more intimate than sneaking onto the beach in the middle of the night to go skinny dipping despite Rei’s protests.

“Are you nervous, Rei-chan?” Nagisa says. “Me too,” he says when Rei nods and gives him an uncertain look.

He kisses Rei’s forehead, his cheek, lets his lips catch on his jaw before moving to mouth wetly at his neck. He rocks his hips down experimentally, gasping when the friction sends heat straight to his belly, grinning against Rei’s skin when he groans and grips Nagisa’s hips with both hands. Nagisa grinds down again, harder this time, and is rewarded with another low groan as well as Rei’s hands tightening on his hips.

Before he can do anything else, he’s suddenly being pushed back onto the mattress, bouncing a little on the springs and letting out a quiet _oomph_ of surprise. Rei is breathing heavily over him, eyes hooded and dark in a way Nagisa’s never seen before that sends an excited little shiver down his spine. Then Rei’s kissing him again, open-mouthed and hot, tongue slippery against his own and breath warm on his lips.

Rei lets out a quiet moan, one hand dragging down Nagisa’s side and back up his chest, thumb brushing over one of his nipples. Nagisa makes a muffled sound of surprise that quickly turns into a whine of arousal when Rei’s hand trails back down his stomach to cup his erection through his briefs.

Nagisa reaches down to fumble with Rei’s belt, yanking it loose and tugging open the button and zipper on Rei’s pants before shoving them down his thighs, accidentally taking his underwear with them. Rei squawks a little in embarrassment but manages to kick his clothes the rest of the way off with some difficulty, Nagisa kissing over his collarbone as he does.

“Ah—um,” Rei stammers, his confidence clearly waning as he plucks at the waistband of Nagisa’s briefs.

Nagisa smiles reassuringly and wiggles his briefs down his hips, flinging them aside carelessly. He takes the opportunity to peek down at Rei’s newly exposed lower half, feeling equal parts nervous and excited—and maybe just a little bit proud of himself—at the sight of his erection, the tip shining with pre-come.

“Please stop staring,” Rei says anxiously after a long minute, looking completely out of his element again.

“Sorry, Rei-chan,” Nagisa sing-songs, pressing a kiss to Rei’s cheek. He lets his hand’s roam down Rei’s back, feeling the firm planes of muscle and the little dips of his spine. He bites his lip before sliding his hands over Rei’s ass and squeezing.

“I always thought Rei-chan had a nice butt,” he whispers, grinning at Rei’s spluttering.

“N-Nagisa-ku—”

Nagisa cuts him off with a kiss, waiting until he feels Rei starting to relax against him again before reaching between them to wrap his fingers loosely around Rei’s erection. Rei tensing up almost immediately and making a sound somewhere between a squeak and a groan when Nagisa tightens his grip and strokes his fist a few times. Rei gasps into his mouth, his arms shaking and fingers curling in the sheets when Nagisa presses his thumb against the tip of his cock.

Nagisa can’t keep his eyes off Rei’s face, the little variations in his expression with each movement of his fingers, his eyes fluttering closed and his brow furrowed, the faint blush creeping across his cheeks and down his neck, his lips wet and parted with each aborted breath.

“Do you do this a lot, Rei-chan?” he says, partially out of fascination and partially from genuine curiosity. “Do you touch yourself?”

Rei whines and lets out a faint, “ _Nagisa-kun_.”

“I do,” Nagisa continues quietly, fighting the rising blush in his own cheeks. “Sometimes I… I thought about you, Rei-chan. About you being with me a-and… touching me.”

Rei makes a choked off sound in the back of his throat, forehead pressing against Nagisa’s shoulder.

“S-stop,” he gasps.

“Oh, sorry, Rei-chan,” Nagisa mumbles, falling silent.

“N-no,” Rei says, shaking his head and reaching down to pull Nagisa’s hand off his dick, sighing a little when he lets go. He looks up at Nagisa again, sweat beading on his temples and face flushed with color, panting like he’s just run a mile. “If you don’t stop I’m afraid this will be over embarrassingly fast for me.”

“Oh,” Nagisa says. He tries not to feel too delighted by the fact that he almost made Rei come in a few short minutes just with his hand.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei says after he’s taken a few seconds to gather himself. He adjusts his glasses—Nagisa’s wondered for years if it’s an involuntary action he does it so often—and clears his throat. “I’d like to try something if it’s alright with you.”

“Mhmm,” Nagisa replies, combing his fingers through Rei’s hair and kissing over his jaw. He’s almost painfully hard at this point and thinks he’d probably agree with anything Rei asks if it means he finally gets Rei touching him. “What is it, Rei-chan?”

Rei simply pulls away from him, ignoring his noise of protest, and moves down the bed. He flashes Nagisa a nervous smile before wrapping his fingers around his cock and pumping his hand a few times. Nagisa sighs, his toes curling and his hips arching up into Rei’s fist.

Rei bows his head to kiss along the sensitive skin on the inside of Nagisa’s thighs, watching Nagisa carefully for Nagisa’s reaction as he stares back at him through half-lidded eyes.

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa whines. “What are you—” His eyes widen with realization half a second before Rei’s tongue slides over the head of his cock and Nagisa has to hurry to bite down on his knuckles to stifle a groan.

Rei kisses the tip wetly before taking the first inch or two in his mouth and sucking gently, tonguing at the underside and breathing out hard through his nose. It’s incredible, the wet, velvety heat of Rei’s mouth, the soft slickness of his tongue, the careful suction and steady movement of Rei’s fist where his mouth doesn’t reach, he thinks he could happily spend the rest of his life in bed if Rei kept doing this to him. He clamps his hand over his mouth, curling his other hand in Rei’s hair, struggling to stop his eyes from drifting closed so he can watch Rei.

He can practically hear Rei’s brain whirring away, no doubt calculating some equation for the perfect amount of suction in his head as he sinks his lips over Nagisa’s cock, saliva dripping down over his fingers and brows knitted slightly in concentration like he’s trying to solve a particularly hard math problem. Nagisa would laugh fondly if it didn’t feel so good he can barely keep his eyes open much less think straight.

Heat spreads low in his gut and down to his groin and he has to force himself to push weakly at Rei’s shoulder to get him to stop at the telltale signs of his orgasm. Rei pulls off with a soft pop, lips red and swollen, and wipes his hand over his chin with a questioning look.

“I want to… with you,” Nagisa mutters, tugging at Rei’s shoulder to pull him back up the bed, wincing when Rei’s thigh slides against his cock. He gropes for the drawer on his nightstand, pulling it open and fishing around inside until he finds the little bottle he’s looking for.

“Here, Rei-chan,” he says, pressing the bottle into Rei’s hand and spreading his thighs.

“A-ah,” Rei says and blushes again. “Nagisa-kun, I don’t think… I don’t think I’m going to last long enough for that.”

“Me neither,” Nagisa admits honestly. He whines and rocks his hips up against Rei’s thigh.

“Here,” he takes the bottle from Rei, popping it open to pour a small amount on his hand before tossing it aside, rubbing his fingers together briefly.

“...Strawberries?” Rei says when the scent of the lube hits them a few seconds later.

“Mmm, I like it,” Nagisa mumbles, kissing Rei hard as adjusts his hips and reaches between them so he can wrap his hand around both of their cocks. Rei groans and rocks his hips down, Nagisa’s slick fingers working over the sensitive skin. He struggles a little keeping a grip on both of them until Rei covers his hand with his own much larger one, dwarfing Nagisa’s hand and helping him keep a steady rhythm.

It doesn’t take long until they’re barely even kissing any more as much as they’re panting short, harsh breaths and desperate groans into each other’s mouths, the only other sound the occasional creak of the mattress and the slick sound of their hands.

“ _Nagisa-kun_ ,” Rei gasps. “I-I’m—”

“Me too,” Nagisa breathes, nodding.

Rei’s breathing becomes more erratic, his hips grinding down sharply as he tightens his grip over Nagisa’s hand. His breath catches suddenly, stuttering out of his lungs as warmth splashes low on Nagisa’s stomach. He glances down, watching as Rei’s dick jerks in their hands, come sliding over their fingers and smearing across Nagisa’s stomach. He looks back up at Rei, his expression slack with pleasure and his chest heaving.

“Here,” Rei mumbles, pumping his fist again, though in much less measured movements this time, until Nagisa’s orgasm hits him a few seconds later. He watches Nagisa’s face as he comes, stroking him through his orgasm and only pulling his hand away when Nagisa winces as he starts to become over-sensitive.

Rei kisses him, open-mouthed and a little sloppy, humming as his lips quirk up in a small smile. Rei practically collapses next to him, eyes closed and breathing still heavy. Nagisa seeks out his hand on the bed, ignoring the fact that his own fingers are still slick with lube and come, and smiling contentedly when Rei twines their fingers together and squeezes gently.

They lie there in silence for a few minutes catching their breath. Rei pulls his hand away and for one horrible moment Nagisa thinks things might become awkward between them, that Rei is going to regret what they just did and never speak to him again even after he _just_ got him back. But then Rei is rolling over his side and wrapping his arm around Nagisa’s middle, pressing his lips to his sweaty temple and tugging him close.

Rei buries his face in Nagisa’s hair and inhales slowly, making a low, pleased sound as he exhales. Nagisa has to bite back the wide grin threatening to spread across his face. He scoots closer to Rei until they’re pressed together, Rei’s chest against Nagisa’s side and his fingers playing lightly over Nagisa’s hip.

“Was that okay?” Nagisa says nervously, tugging the sheets up to his stomach when the chill of the room settles in.

“It was perfect,” Rei says with that same fond, dazed smile. “Anything with you is perfect.”

“ _Rei-chaaan_ ,” Nagisa groans, rolling over to bury his face in the pillow in embarrassment. Rei chuckles, rubbing his hand down Nagisa’s back.

“I was planning on doing this properly,” Rei says after another minute or two of silence. “Ask you on a date,” he explains when Nagisa gives him a quizzical look. “That’s why I brought flowers. I had… a lot of time to plan what I was going to say when I got back.” He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “I didn’t think you’d actually feel the same way.”

Nagisa hums, smiling faintly and letting his eyes drift shut when Rei starts brushing his fingers absently through his hair.

“Where would you have taken me?” he says, cracking his eye open when Rei’s hand stops moving. “On our date,” he adds.

“Oh,” Rei says, frowning as his fingers begin moving again. “I had planned on taking you to the aquarium and then to dinner at your favorite restaurant, then we’d get ice cream at—” he stops when he catches Nagisa’s smirk and pouts faintly. “Are you making fun of me, Nagisa-kun?”

“No,” Nagisa says even as he laughs, looping his arm around Rei’s neck and nuzzling his neck. “It sounds fun, Rei-chan. And we can still do all of that.” He plants a smacking kiss on Rei’s cheek. “We have a lot to catch up on. I want to hear about everything, okay?”

He sits up suddenly, giving Rei an expectant look.

“Did you bring me anything, Rei-chan?” he says hopefully.

Rei chuckles, though he sits up and moves to the edge of the bed to fish through his pants, returning to Nagisa’s side and holding his closed fist out to him. He opens his palm to reveal a gemstone about the size of a walnut, worn smooth on one side and catching the overhead light to gleam in a multitude of colors, streaks of green and blue, vibrant flecks of gold bright as starlight twined with veins of fiery red.

“I managed to sneak it with me after I landed,” Rei says, smiling as Nagisa takes the stone from him and turns it over in his fingers. “They wanted to keep me there for tests and things but I…” He sighs. “I’m sorry you had to wait so long, Nagisa-kun.”

“I don’t care about that anymore, Rei-chan,” Nagisa says and shakes his head. “Just… don’t… leave again,” he adds looking down at the little stone in his hands. “Okay?”

Rei takes the stone from him and sets it on the table before crawling under the sheets with him, slipping his arms around Nagisa’s middle and tucking his chin over his shoulder. Nagisa curls against his chest, hooking his leg over both of Rei’s and smiling when Rei kisses his hair.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

 


End file.
